Come October 2, my eldest daughter, Asha Imaniye will be 27 years old. Hard to believe I am the mother of an adult , two in fact.Time flies in no way describes how I feel about the impending celebration of her 27th year of rotation around the earth. Nearly three decades ago as an aspiring scholar/graduate student on the campus of the University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign, I learned I was expecting and was excited about sharing the news with her father, also an up and coming graduate student of African Studies. Our lives thus far had revolved around late night studies, readings, composing and talks about the latest African-centered literature and let me not forget the ramblings of being published. I'll admit I was nervous, no I was scared. Let me not forget that her father would soon travel for a Study Abroad experience in Kenya for six weeks that summer of my pregnancy. Still I knew I had the right people and resources in my life to raise a healthy child. Bringing a child into this world was serious business. As I pondered during pregnancy I wondered what specific emotions are likely to come over a mother or father who prepare to bring a child into existence. And what happens to the parents when they don't have the capacity to nurture and care for the baby. My heart ached when I witness the neglect and abuse of children because truth is they don't ask to come here, as their parents we do.
I vividly recall looking down at my Asha after delivery and thinking "Baby girl, I am responsible for you, I will take care of you because I love you".It was an overwhelming experience to know it is up to us now. I spent exactly 22 hours in the hospital after giving birth because I wanted to be in the comfort of my own home with my baby. The constant poking and proding me while in the hospital were too much for me. Having her brought so much joy to my life and her father's as well but my inexperience caused me to act frantic at times because after all, she was my first. I would cradle her up front throughout the day, cook and clean with her swaddled close to me, take her in the bathroom with me when I bathed and talk, not coo coo to her throughout the day. She even attended my graduate classes with me in the evenings sometimes. I was in LOVE. She was a joy and received all the attention because she was the first born and first grandchild on both sides of the family.
Life settled in and after 3 1/2 years and I learned I was expecting again. This pregnancy was well received as everyone thought it would be nice to have a sibling for Asha.
But I immediately thought about my love affair with my first born and shockingly felt a fear of not loving the second child as much as I loved my first. As quirky as it sounds, those were my thoughts and they haunted me as I prepared for her arrival. All the intimate and happy moments had been reserved for Asha so how could I duplicate this for my new baby girl Attiyya and how would this make Asha feel. Little did I know that God was enlarging my love capacity and there was so much opportunity for growth. He immediately began to demonstrate to me that His love is an everlasting love that has no limits and because He is love it consumes us despite our failures and faults. Attiyya means "God's gift" and her middle name Ife is Yoruba for "Love". God has explicitly shown me how her name is so befitting .The bible tells us "Beloved, if God so loved us, we ought also to love one another. No man hath seen God at any time. If we love one another, God dwelleth in us, and his love is perfected in us. (1 John 4:11, 12 KJV) His love is made perfect in our weakness. It generates increase and causes us to surpass that which we thought we were incapable of doing. Surely he poured into me and increased my ability to demonstrate love to my two girls. Not loving them the same way but loving them in ways they need to be loved for each is different. Today I enjoy the fact that I am the mother of four daughters Asha, Attiyya, Ajallah and Amina therefore my love capacity has increased tremendously. It has also spilled over into the lives of other children who are not my own but who deserve to be loved and nurtured because they are God's children. When it comes to love whatever has you thinking you can not do it because you feel you are at your limit, ask God to increase your capacity.